Congratulations, you have 1,427 friends on your facebook. I hope they’re all good friends of yours because your facebook statuses are certainly assuming so. Though there are no rules for what can go in your status, there are some social norms you need to follow, and if you’re breaking one of them, it’s time to get it together.
1. The ambiguous status
We’ve all seen it, “____ is missing him””, “wow… can’t believe this” or “can’t wait to do something secret with someone secret tonight!!!”
If your plans and thoughts are too personal to share, don’t share them! You’re vagueness is not only annoying but it’s making me way less interested in anything you’re saying. Your status is about as useful to me as someone writing on a bathroom wall. Get a journal.
NOTE: Passive aggressive statuses are a more extreme form of ambiguous statuses, “I hope you’re happy you skank! Karma’s a bitch!” These statements are usually followed by a happy face, just to show how much you “don’t care”. Obviously you seem to think that you’re little comments are going to change the selfish ways of this ex-friend, well I hope for your sake they do. However, nobody knows what you’re talking about, probably not even the person you’re referring to. Confront them personally and leave the rest of us out of it.
2. Too much information
Good luck in rehab, congrats on the teenage pregnancy with some unknown father and sorry you’re friends a bitch and made out with your skeezy boyfriend. The only thing that is surprising me about anything written in your status is the fact that you’re willing to share it with all 1,427 people on your friend list. Not only is everyone amazed at the information you’re willing to post on facebook, but we’re making fun of you too.
3. Giving your stalker a hand
“Going grocery shopping”, “at the grocery store, can’t find the oranges!”, “Found them! Phewf!” “Home from grocery shopping, fridge is full”, “eating the oranges I bought at the grocery store, YUM!”
Oh em gee, is your life ever exciting! Even your stalkers are bored. The only thing good about these statuses is that when I want to go punch you for them, I know where to find you. Sure, update us on anything you’re excited about, you got a new pet, you’re going on vacation, you’re kid took their first steps… all super exciting, your bowel movements however, are not. Some things just aren’t meant for facebook.
NOTE: I realize many of you are thinking “in your blog below you kept a play-by-play of your daily activities in the office”. Fact. I did do that. However this was not a “real time” update allowing stalkers to know where I am at that EXACT second… besides nobody I am friends with know my blog site anyways.
4. Inside jokes
“Fun weekend with _____! Creepy boys at the mall, LOL remember that thing they said?! HAHA! Or what about the thing we saw at that game??! So gross LMAO! Love you!!!”
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!? Yes, 1 of your facebook friends is killing themselves laughing at your crazy adventures; the other 1,426 of us are removing you from our friend list. If you need to make your inside jokes public, you can write on their wall. Don’t worry, I’m sure we’ll creep it later anyways and become filled with envy at the hilarity that is your life.
5. Promoters
I get that this is your job, and trust me I prefer this over your private messages and event invites, but you should just be aware that you’re on the “hide” list in my newsfeed. Nobody believes that “____ club is gonna be off the hook tonight!!” or that we need to “come early to avoid mass lines of super cool people!” You said the same thing yesterday about a different bar and the same thing last week about this same bar, both nights were mediocre at best and if they were good, I’m sure you’re facebook status had nothing to do with it.
So there you have it, some of the biggest faux-pas of facebook. This list can be referred to anytime you’re unsure if your status is going to the laughing stock of everyone on your list, but keep in mind if you’re questioning it… then it probably is.
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